Too much time

I really dislike having too much time to think.  Instead of thinking about all of the blessings and good things in my life, lately it seems no matter if i have a minute or an hour, I end up thinking about all the negative things.  How do you stop yourself from doing this?  I am really struggling. 

I find myself going from excited about the holidays and Cole opening gifts on Christmas to bummed and in tears about everything that has happened.  Especially most recently.  Part of me feels as though people will want to be friends again, but I dont know if I can go that route.  Part of me wants to be bitchy and say bite me, go get another horse, go in the show ring next summer/fall and tell them all look!  I can do this, without you!  I dont need you!

I totally understand that many of my posts on this blog make absolutely no sense what so ever.  After an incident last week, I dont feel comfortable posting my feelings on the ever popular facebook, for fear of someone assuming its about one thing or another and it not being.  Which again, why should I care about what people think?  I should only worry about making myself and my family happy.  But how?  How do I focus on just us and what is best for us?  and me?  I've never been good at focusing on me and doing for me.  That is a lot of my problem. 

I fear failure.  I fear giving up.  I fear the unknown.  I fear success.  I fear the future.  I know not to question God and his reasoning behind things, but when all that seems to happen is negative things, It's hard not to question.  I just keep asking, what's next?  What else can go wrong?  I shouldn't ask these things and I know this, but again, I'm having a hard time focusing on the positive. 

I wish I felt comfortable enough posting this for friends to see...get some feedback...Maybe one day.