My Wish

"My wish for you 

Is that this life becomes all that you want it to 
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small 
You never need to carry more than you can hold 
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to 
I hope you know somebody loves you 
And wants the same things too 
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget 
All the ones who love you 
And the place you left 
I hope you always forgive and you never regret 
And you help somebody every chance you get 
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake 
And always give more than you take 
But more than anything, yeah more than anything" 

Many would recognize the words above from a Song Rascall Flatts sings, My Wish.  How does one get there?  I feel so lost and that I have no where to go but down.  My life seems to be the exact opposite.  My worries are big,and anymore my dreams small.  I feel as though I can't carry any more.  I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but I feel I can't do this anymore.  I don't feel loved.  There I said It.  I don't have friends, sure I have people I talk to, but no one that I feel I could call in times, like...well now.  Yes, I'm married but anymore I don't know why.  I feel alone in that relationship.  I hate myself, I hate who I am and where I am going.  

Jr and I had a fight tonight, and I feel as though he will never change.  His priorities will always be about him...and not me, or our son.  We are drowning in debt and I am doing all I can to find ways to keep our heads above water, and it feels like he doesn't care that he wants to live  a certain life and he will live that no matter what the costs.  I'm hurt that he wont stand up to his mom for me.  I'm hurt he wont take the time to stop watching tv or playing his Facebook games to play a family game, or go outside and play, take a walk etc.  

Now I know I am not near perfect.  I have many flaws, don't we all? It's just that we have had conversations about this before and nothing is changing.  I get I too at times spend too much time on the computer.  Or don't have the energy to go outside and take a walk.  And I know at times I spend too much money in places I shouldn't.  I get that.  But we are supposed to be a team and work together, and it's not happening.  Again, I'm lost and hurt and alone.  Yes, Cole Loves me unconditionally.  But sometimes, I need more.  I need that love from my husband.  The whole reason my son is here.  Jr is constantly on my back about being intimate and Damn it I would be if I felt like more than a housekeeper/babysitter so he can continue with what he wants to do.  I have so much going through my head right now, I don't honestly know what else I want to say.  

I started this blog to get things out that were bugging me.  I gave up my wants/goals to make things work for our family, and I get nothing but resistance in return.  Why am I the only one that has to make sacrifices?  Enough with the whining, if I don't lay down, I'm never going to get to sleep.  Maybe writing this will help me clear my head so I can sleep.  If you are the praying type, I could use some right now...