Too much time

I really dislike having too much time to think.  Instead of thinking about all of the blessings and good things in my life, lately it seems no matter if i have a minute or an hour, I end up thinking about all the negative things.  How do you stop yourself from doing this?  I am really struggling. 

I find myself going from excited about the holidays and Cole opening gifts on Christmas to bummed and in tears about everything that has happened.  Especially most recently.  Part of me feels as though people will want to be friends again, but I dont know if I can go that route.  Part of me wants to be bitchy and say bite me, go get another horse, go in the show ring next summer/fall and tell them all look!  I can do this, without you!  I dont need you!

I totally understand that many of my posts on this blog make absolutely no sense what so ever.  After an incident last week, I dont feel comfortable posting my feelings on the ever popular facebook, for fear of someone assuming its about one thing or another and it not being.  Which again, why should I care about what people think?  I should only worry about making myself and my family happy.  But how?  How do I focus on just us and what is best for us?  and me?  I've never been good at focusing on me and doing for me.  That is a lot of my problem. 

I fear failure.  I fear giving up.  I fear the unknown.  I fear success.  I fear the future.  I know not to question God and his reasoning behind things, but when all that seems to happen is negative things, It's hard not to question.  I just keep asking, what's next?  What else can go wrong?  I shouldn't ask these things and I know this, but again, I'm having a hard time focusing on the positive. 

I wish I felt comfortable enough posting this for friends to see...get some feedback...Maybe one day.

Learning the hard way

I'm learning the hard way that I'm not perfect.  and no, I didnt really ever think I was perfect, I knew I had my flaws.  It's just hard when every little thing is thrown in your face.  Hell I posted a random post on facebook the other day, and it was thought to be related to something that it totally wasnt.  I am trying to be a good person to everyone.  Apparently that is not the case.  Or at least certain people dont think so.  I was essentially kicked out of the farm where I had horses for 5 years today.  Over something that shouldnt have been.  I'll admit I got upset and reacted sooner than I should have.  However, I feel as though I am not completely in the wrong.  I guess there will always be the difference in opinion on that one though. 

The next thing I have to think about is how bad do I really want horses in my life?  I have little to no confidence under saddle, and need some encouragement.  After today I found I will no longer find that encouragement from people I considered family.  I feel lost, alone, and sick to my stomach.  Not to mention like the most awful person who ever walked the planet.  I tried to fix things a while ago.  Apparently I didnt.  I thought our relationship was on the mend...apparently not.  There isn't much of a point to this post, other than me just venting.  I sure do wish there was a way to express how I feel and people I know actually read it.  For now. I'm anonymous.  I'm me

Maybe

Maybe one day I will be truly happy with my life

Maybe one day Jr and I wont fight constantly

Maybe one day I'll feel more like an achiever and less like a failure

Maybe one day Money wont matter

Maybe one day I'll own a horse again

Maybe one day I'll realize what God has in store for me

Maybe one day I'll smile and mean it

Maybe one day I wont hide my feelings all the time

Maybe one day I'll feel as though my friends are truly my friends 

Maybe one day I wont feel like a bad mom

Maybe one day  things will be different.

Maybe one day I'll feel like a good person

Maybe one day I will be happy...

Maybe one day I'll feel loved

Maybe one day I won't cry anymore

Maybe one day I'll stand up for myself

Maybe one day I'll know how to explain how I feel

Just maybe...

MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL UNDERSTAND