confused or unhappy?

Lately I have been contemplating more and more about whether or not I am cut out for the type of work I am doing.  One day I am happy where I work and with what I do and the next I could care less if I go back.  Is this normal?  I dont feel as though I am being productive both financially and in my job.  I feel i could and should do more.  But if I did go back to school and or change professions, and happen to make more money, will that make me happy?  I just dont know what I want.  Part of me wants to find a way to stay at home, like in home babysitting.  But will I be happy with that?  I wish I had someone that could tell me the answer.  And I know I do...it's me.  There are so many aspects to my life at this point that I am not happy with, so I guess the long of the short of it is that the problem is me.  I know that God will never give me any more than I can handle, but I'm getting toward the end of my rope, and its fraying...bad.  I finally weaned myself off of my anti depressant/anxiety meds.  I was feeling really good about that too.  Until today.  I have been at my job for almost a year, and now, just now they are starting to "train" me???  Seriously.  And then of all days I have an issue with daycare and I need to take care of it and my "trainer"  has the audacity to go to my supervisor and say I was on my phone, when she was there when I got pulled out of the room to take care of it.  I just dont get how some people feel as though they are so perfect and everyone else isn't.  It doesn't help that I already felt as though this person didnt like me.  UGH I hate that I let myself get so upset and worked up over things like this.  Truth is I think I need some time off.  I just dont know.  Am I confused about what I want, am I unhappy?  I feel as though I screwed up in life by not going back and getting my masters right away.  Now I have a child and I dont feel its fair to take the time away from him to go back to school.  I am so sick to my stomach right now. Sorry this post is all over, but I told you that would happen.  Ugh, I'm going to bed.  to cry.

Money

It seems as though lately, money has been a big reason on why I am stressed.  As selfish as it sounds, I Wish money grew on trees.  In reality, I just want to be even with our bills.  There are many reasons why we are in as much debt as we are and as much as I try to put it in the past its hard.  My husband had an obsession with owning a new car every 2 or so years, can you say MAJOR negative equity?  Not to mention, my fault, I wanted a new, bigger house shortly after we got married and we were dumb and bought a new house, wait built a new house, without our other one being sold.  Granted we do have it rented, but it doesnt help us on the credit front. Speaking of the new house, then my husband told me he wanted to finish the basement little by little.  I agreed.  I should have known better.  My husband doesn't half/slowly do ANYTHING!  He ended up putting the entire basement on a credit card...ugh

I am not going to lie, Money is a HUGE stress in our relationship.  I just wish there was a way to fix it.  It doesnt help DH has always gotten/been given everything he ever wanted and is very materialistic thanks to his upbringing, but that is a WHOLE other issue in a of itself.  I just want to find peace with the money situation, and for DH and I to be on the same page.  I am tired of fighting, tired of stressing.  Tired of paying things late, etc.   ***PITY PARTY FOR 1*** Why Couldn't I be born to a rich family?  Have a great talent to where I made millions? ***BACK TO REALITY***  I should have just gone to school for something that made more money. 

But money doesn't equal happiness.  That is why I struggle so much with this.  I dream that if we had money to pay this off and that off and buy this and that, that things would be so much better/different.  I know better.  Deep in my heart i know that money isn't the root of happiness.  But I do feel if we had more money, or learned to be on the same page and figure things out, I will be less stressed, which hopefully in turn will equal more happiness? 

**Today I am thankful for my job, and for a wonderful coworker that helped me through a very scary/stressful situation today.  Nicole, you probably will never know I wrote this, but you have NO IDEA how much it means to me for you to offer your ear to listen when I need to vent.**

Frustrated

I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place. I started this blog as a way to hopefully just get my feelings out.  Feelings about life in general.  At this point in time there are few things that I feel I have going in the right direction for me.  My family and my job...Yes I have a few close friends, and I am thankful for them, but within the past 6 months, I feel as though I have lost more friends than I have.  I feel lost.  I feel as though we can never get ahead financially.  My DH gets a side job and we think we will have extra money to spend on a vet bill or to go on a "vacation" aka camping for a weekend, and then the car has trouble.  Or one of us has to go to the doctor.  I have so many dreams and aspirations that people have told me not to do away with, but why dream when you are constantly met with discouragement and negativity.  I dont have any hobbies, well I guess you can say I do, but due to some instances in the past 6 or so months, I dont feel like its something I enjoy anymore.  Which sucks. BIG TIME.  Ever feel as though the life was ripped right out of you in an instant...yea that was me, to not only a hobby, but a dream of mine. 

Granted, I realize that Many people have far worse things going on, and that my life's happenings are miniscule comparatively speaking.  As I said earlier, I just need an outlet.  Continually burying these feelings is not good for me and my health and relationships that I do have. I want my friends back.  I want the life I had 6 months ago back.  I want to be excited about taking an entire day and spending time with animals I love and Friends that make me laugh until I am sick.  I no longer have that.  Then I post things on facebook about wanting/needing friends and everyone says they will hang out.  Do they ever..no..again...blow...I am not sure what else to write right now, but hopefully this is the outlet I need.  I am going to end my posts with something I am grateful for/have positive going on in my life.  I need to get back in the right direction.

*I have an amazing husband and gorgeous son.  I have an awesome job.  I am thankful for the small things.  (most days)

Until later