My Wish

"My wish for you 

Is that this life becomes all that you want it to 
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small 
You never need to carry more than you can hold 
And while you’re out there gettin’ where you’re gettin’ to 
I hope you know somebody loves you 
And wants the same things too 
Yeah, this is my wish

I hope you never look back but you never forget 
All the ones who love you 
And the place you left 
I hope you always forgive and you never regret 
And you help somebody every chance you get 
Oh, you find God’s grace in every mistake 
And always give more than you take 
But more than anything, yeah more than anything" 

Many would recognize the words above from a Song Rascall Flatts sings, My Wish.  How does one get there?  I feel so lost and that I have no where to go but down.  My life seems to be the exact opposite.  My worries are big,and anymore my dreams small.  I feel as though I can't carry any more.  I know God never gives us more than we can handle, but I feel I can't do this anymore.  I don't feel loved.  There I said It.  I don't have friends, sure I have people I talk to, but no one that I feel I could call in times, like...well now.  Yes, I'm married but anymore I don't know why.  I feel alone in that relationship.  I hate myself, I hate who I am and where I am going.  

Jr and I had a fight tonight, and I feel as though he will never change.  His priorities will always be about him...and not me, or our son.  We are drowning in debt and I am doing all I can to find ways to keep our heads above water, and it feels like he doesn't care that he wants to live  a certain life and he will live that no matter what the costs.  I'm hurt that he wont stand up to his mom for me.  I'm hurt he wont take the time to stop watching tv or playing his Facebook games to play a family game, or go outside and play, take a walk etc.  

Now I know I am not near perfect.  I have many flaws, don't we all? It's just that we have had conversations about this before and nothing is changing.  I get I too at times spend too much time on the computer.  Or don't have the energy to go outside and take a walk.  And I know at times I spend too much money in places I shouldn't.  I get that.  But we are supposed to be a team and work together, and it's not happening.  Again, I'm lost and hurt and alone.  Yes, Cole Loves me unconditionally.  But sometimes, I need more.  I need that love from my husband.  The whole reason my son is here.  Jr is constantly on my back about being intimate and Damn it I would be if I felt like more than a housekeeper/babysitter so he can continue with what he wants to do.  I have so much going through my head right now, I don't honestly know what else I want to say.  

I started this blog to get things out that were bugging me.  I gave up my wants/goals to make things work for our family, and I get nothing but resistance in return.  Why am I the only one that has to make sacrifices?  Enough with the whining, if I don't lay down, I'm never going to get to sleep.  Maybe writing this will help me clear my head so I can sleep.  If you are the praying type, I could use some right now...

Too much time

I really dislike having too much time to think.  Instead of thinking about all of the blessings and good things in my life, lately it seems no matter if i have a minute or an hour, I end up thinking about all the negative things.  How do you stop yourself from doing this?  I am really struggling. 

I find myself going from excited about the holidays and Cole opening gifts on Christmas to bummed and in tears about everything that has happened.  Especially most recently.  Part of me feels as though people will want to be friends again, but I dont know if I can go that route.  Part of me wants to be bitchy and say bite me, go get another horse, go in the show ring next summer/fall and tell them all look!  I can do this, without you!  I dont need you!

I totally understand that many of my posts on this blog make absolutely no sense what so ever.  After an incident last week, I dont feel comfortable posting my feelings on the ever popular facebook, for fear of someone assuming its about one thing or another and it not being.  Which again, why should I care about what people think?  I should only worry about making myself and my family happy.  But how?  How do I focus on just us and what is best for us?  and me?  I've never been good at focusing on me and doing for me.  That is a lot of my problem. 

I fear failure.  I fear giving up.  I fear the unknown.  I fear success.  I fear the future.  I know not to question God and his reasoning behind things, but when all that seems to happen is negative things, It's hard not to question.  I just keep asking, what's next?  What else can go wrong?  I shouldn't ask these things and I know this, but again, I'm having a hard time focusing on the positive. 

I wish I felt comfortable enough posting this for friends to see...get some feedback...Maybe one day.

Learning the hard way

I'm learning the hard way that I'm not perfect.  and no, I didnt really ever think I was perfect, I knew I had my flaws.  It's just hard when every little thing is thrown in your face.  Hell I posted a random post on facebook the other day, and it was thought to be related to something that it totally wasnt.  I am trying to be a good person to everyone.  Apparently that is not the case.  Or at least certain people dont think so.  I was essentially kicked out of the farm where I had horses for 5 years today.  Over something that shouldnt have been.  I'll admit I got upset and reacted sooner than I should have.  However, I feel as though I am not completely in the wrong.  I guess there will always be the difference in opinion on that one though. 

The next thing I have to think about is how bad do I really want horses in my life?  I have little to no confidence under saddle, and need some encouragement.  After today I found I will no longer find that encouragement from people I considered family.  I feel lost, alone, and sick to my stomach.  Not to mention like the most awful person who ever walked the planet.  I tried to fix things a while ago.  Apparently I didnt.  I thought our relationship was on the mend...apparently not.  There isn't much of a point to this post, other than me just venting.  I sure do wish there was a way to express how I feel and people I know actually read it.  For now. I'm anonymous.  I'm me

Maybe

Maybe one day I will be truly happy with my life

Maybe one day Jr and I wont fight constantly

Maybe one day I'll feel more like an achiever and less like a failure

Maybe one day Money wont matter

Maybe one day I'll own a horse again

Maybe one day I'll realize what God has in store for me

Maybe one day I'll smile and mean it

Maybe one day I wont hide my feelings all the time

Maybe one day I'll feel as though my friends are truly my friends 

Maybe one day I wont feel like a bad mom

Maybe one day  things will be different.

Maybe one day I'll feel like a good person

Maybe one day I will be happy...

Maybe one day I'll feel loved

Maybe one day I won't cry anymore

Maybe one day I'll stand up for myself

Maybe one day I'll know how to explain how I feel

Just maybe...

MAYBE ONE DAY I'LL UNDERSTAND

confused or unhappy?

Lately I have been contemplating more and more about whether or not I am cut out for the type of work I am doing.  One day I am happy where I work and with what I do and the next I could care less if I go back.  Is this normal?  I dont feel as though I am being productive both financially and in my job.  I feel i could and should do more.  But if I did go back to school and or change professions, and happen to make more money, will that make me happy?  I just dont know what I want.  Part of me wants to find a way to stay at home, like in home babysitting.  But will I be happy with that?  I wish I had someone that could tell me the answer.  And I know I do...it's me.  There are so many aspects to my life at this point that I am not happy with, so I guess the long of the short of it is that the problem is me.  I know that God will never give me any more than I can handle, but I'm getting toward the end of my rope, and its fraying...bad.  I finally weaned myself off of my anti depressant/anxiety meds.  I was feeling really good about that too.  Until today.  I have been at my job for almost a year, and now, just now they are starting to "train" me???  Seriously.  And then of all days I have an issue with daycare and I need to take care of it and my "trainer"  has the audacity to go to my supervisor and say I was on my phone, when she was there when I got pulled out of the room to take care of it.  I just dont get how some people feel as though they are so perfect and everyone else isn't.  It doesn't help that I already felt as though this person didnt like me.  UGH I hate that I let myself get so upset and worked up over things like this.  Truth is I think I need some time off.  I just dont know.  Am I confused about what I want, am I unhappy?  I feel as though I screwed up in life by not going back and getting my masters right away.  Now I have a child and I dont feel its fair to take the time away from him to go back to school.  I am so sick to my stomach right now. Sorry this post is all over, but I told you that would happen.  Ugh, I'm going to bed.  to cry.

Money

It seems as though lately, money has been a big reason on why I am stressed.  As selfish as it sounds, I Wish money grew on trees.  In reality, I just want to be even with our bills.  There are many reasons why we are in as much debt as we are and as much as I try to put it in the past its hard.  My husband had an obsession with owning a new car every 2 or so years, can you say MAJOR negative equity?  Not to mention, my fault, I wanted a new, bigger house shortly after we got married and we were dumb and bought a new house, wait built a new house, without our other one being sold.  Granted we do have it rented, but it doesnt help us on the credit front. Speaking of the new house, then my husband told me he wanted to finish the basement little by little.  I agreed.  I should have known better.  My husband doesn't half/slowly do ANYTHING!  He ended up putting the entire basement on a credit card...ugh

I am not going to lie, Money is a HUGE stress in our relationship.  I just wish there was a way to fix it.  It doesnt help DH has always gotten/been given everything he ever wanted and is very materialistic thanks to his upbringing, but that is a WHOLE other issue in a of itself.  I just want to find peace with the money situation, and for DH and I to be on the same page.  I am tired of fighting, tired of stressing.  Tired of paying things late, etc.   ***PITY PARTY FOR 1*** Why Couldn't I be born to a rich family?  Have a great talent to where I made millions? ***BACK TO REALITY***  I should have just gone to school for something that made more money. 

But money doesn't equal happiness.  That is why I struggle so much with this.  I dream that if we had money to pay this off and that off and buy this and that, that things would be so much better/different.  I know better.  Deep in my heart i know that money isn't the root of happiness.  But I do feel if we had more money, or learned to be on the same page and figure things out, I will be less stressed, which hopefully in turn will equal more happiness? 

**Today I am thankful for my job, and for a wonderful coworker that helped me through a very scary/stressful situation today.  Nicole, you probably will never know I wrote this, but you have NO IDEA how much it means to me for you to offer your ear to listen when I need to vent.**

Frustrated

I apologize in advance if this post is all over the place. I started this blog as a way to hopefully just get my feelings out.  Feelings about life in general.  At this point in time there are few things that I feel I have going in the right direction for me.  My family and my job...Yes I have a few close friends, and I am thankful for them, but within the past 6 months, I feel as though I have lost more friends than I have.  I feel lost.  I feel as though we can never get ahead financially.  My DH gets a side job and we think we will have extra money to spend on a vet bill or to go on a "vacation" aka camping for a weekend, and then the car has trouble.  Or one of us has to go to the doctor.  I have so many dreams and aspirations that people have told me not to do away with, but why dream when you are constantly met with discouragement and negativity.  I dont have any hobbies, well I guess you can say I do, but due to some instances in the past 6 or so months, I dont feel like its something I enjoy anymore.  Which sucks. BIG TIME.  Ever feel as though the life was ripped right out of you in an instant...yea that was me, to not only a hobby, but a dream of mine. 

Granted, I realize that Many people have far worse things going on, and that my life's happenings are miniscule comparatively speaking.  As I said earlier, I just need an outlet.  Continually burying these feelings is not good for me and my health and relationships that I do have. I want my friends back.  I want the life I had 6 months ago back.  I want to be excited about taking an entire day and spending time with animals I love and Friends that make me laugh until I am sick.  I no longer have that.  Then I post things on facebook about wanting/needing friends and everyone says they will hang out.  Do they ever..no..again...blow...I am not sure what else to write right now, but hopefully this is the outlet I need.  I am going to end my posts with something I am grateful for/have positive going on in my life.  I need to get back in the right direction.

*I have an amazing husband and gorgeous son.  I have an awesome job.  I am thankful for the small things.  (most days)

Until later